Tips and Tricks for Counter Strike: Global Offensive
by GabenRamen
Summary: A quick tips and tricks guide on being better at CS:GO. Or "git gud", as the kool kids call it. This will also be the dankest novel you'll ever read that will rival the works of famous people such as JK Rowlowl and Shakeyspears.
1. The Epic-logue

**_Now, I have seen the reviews through my 2 stories, and I have to say about 0/2 of them mentioned about being bad at Counter Strike: Global Eite. So today, I'll be showing you some of the tips of getting a better aim, and as a Silver I. I think I can safely say I am able to show you some real big boy tips._**

 _1_. Launching Counter Terrorists: Infinite Warfare

Many people will have a problem of buying this $15.00 game, and leave it in your steam library to be never seen or heard from again. So, if you have Cobble Stone: Great Ovalsbutitsnotdust2, I highly recommend you to go up to that _Play_ button, and click on it. The game will then take up to 16 seconds to launch, depending on the speed of your computer. In that time you should contemplate about why you spent $15.00 on this instead of buying that new textbook you needed for your Calculus paper. Once the game is launched, be sure to see 5 different buttons on the top of your screen, a news page that nobody reads, and a "0" on your friends list. If so, congratulations! You are the 31.415926524%, and one step closer to becoming Grandmaster.

Advantages for launching the game:

-Added 2 minutes to your CS:GO career, and now you can call your friends Nova scrubs.

-You get the "Omg I Finally Played A Game I Bought During A Steam Sale But Never Intended To Touch It!" Achievement.

-If you look reeaaaal close, you can see the start of a new gambling addiction problem.

Disadvantages for launching the game:

-Its 19GB

-VALVe made this

-The updates are either broken or shi-

You know I could go on forever but you get the point.

1.5. Finding and launching a map

Finding a good map used to be a huge problem in Team Fortress With Actual Skill, but now it is only a click of a button away. Go up to the button that says "Dust 2". The coding behind this is that this button would then go through the hyper codes to find maps under the name "de_dust2". Once it found a server, it will Ensure the ping to be as high as possible, to maximise the gameplay of this map. As a result, if you can connect to a Russian server from the Mars Rover, it would mean your internet connection speed would be real good. As everyone knows, the higher the ping, the better. So, if you have a ping of higher than 2967.33 once you connect, you have now completed step 1.5 in the 1337 part guide to Call Of Duty: Goldeneye.

 _Trobleshooting:_

-In the event of the game crashing, oxygen masks will be released from the top of the aircraft. Brace for impact and breathe normally. Please assist yourself before assisting your mum.

-Make sure your computer is powered on before finding a server.

-If the game does not start within 2 days, it means your ping is too low. Go to console ['] and type in "cl_corsshairthickness 99". This will elevate your ping and fix the problem.


	2. Volume 1 of how 2 git guds

Part 1: csgo is a big game on shooting and when there is shooting there is die so many people have problems as they dont know how to die wait... anyway today i will be tell you amazing real tips that can make you silver 2 in less than 8 months spray: first you must understand the spray place your hand on the mouse now i know it sounds crazy but yes we use a mouse console scrubs once you have placed your hand on the mouse click the left click button with your finger and there you shot a bullet part 2 of 274 will be out in a couple of years bye

Part 2 came early: guns: you need to familiarise yourself with guns and when there is guns there is shoot and when there is shoot there is die so today ill be listing out all the guns that matter and will help you improve your aim and fame in call of duty list of guns that matter: p90 thanks for watching and make sure to leave a like comment and subscribe and once again thanks for watc- wait shit

Part 3 of how to snipe in csgo: sniping is only for the pro90s so today ill be teaching you how to awp the awp has 3 letter in it and each one is every important the a means a1 like the mlg noscoping master sergeant shooter person morkmuskles reddit users say that he has gotten over 4 different directions of quackscopes on his ducking awp and has attained the rank of silver 5 next is the w which stands for walking walking is an important asset in battlefield and can make your montage (pronounced mon-ta-gay) trickshot clips even danker and wanker... wait anyway it has been proven that walking makes you move and by moving you can shoot... i think lastly its the very important letter: p you might be thinking p stands for pro but youre wrong p stands for "please dont by an ssg" as in how the awp wants you to by it so you can go bankrupt and lose your money and potentially your awp to the enemy team thanks for reading this enthusamastically spastastic article

Part 4 (History of Counter Strike): A very important aspect of the game is the history of csgo and i am not talking about the the franchise Im talking about the history of the different sides Yes the terrorists and the not-so-terrorist-terrorists In started back in the day in 1969 when a man named Gaben Ramen was sitting at his desk playing with some spoons This has nothing to do with cs lets move on Later when he was sleeping on his life size cut out of rem He had a very peculiar dream He dreamt of 20 men running around in circles with guns yelling swedish insults at one another even when they were dead When he woke up he said "ill name it counter strike, because that makes sense" But the next day when he told this idea to his friend, Garry Modder, he told him that name does not golly his gees So he renamed it to dota 2 the end

Part 5 (History of Counter Strike 2): Now that we know the birth of the game csgo, we must now explore its sides Chapter 1: Terrorific They cause terror Chapter 2: The Anti-Terrorific They don't cause terror Thanks for reading my fanfiction bye

Part 6 skins: Many people dont own skins and thats depressing just like my rank However i am here to guide you on what skins you should get and what skins you should probably still get For example the skins in the dust 2 collection are beyond the regular dankage that skins such as the dragonlore, asiimov, marble fade, doppler, damascus steel, big iron... wait what was i talking about Anyway dust 2's skin collection is easily the best due to its wide variety on skins such as sand dashed, dashed sand, sandy, cheeks Its as various as the amount of maps people play

Part 7 maps: maps on csgo are as important as they are in every other country not very helpful however if you run around a map long enough you will be able to know the map better just like how when you run around with your shoes you get to understand your shoes better as well... wait anyway maps are very important on csgo why? because you play on them you silly billy boy heres a list of the currently available csgo maps of 2016 and hopefully 2017: Dust 2 Dust 2

Dust 2

Dust 2

Dust 2

Dust 2

Dust 2

Dust 2

Dust 2

Mira- ust 2 thanks for stoppping bye once again have an oxygen filled day

Part 8 another map bites de_dust2: Dust 2 is undoubtedly the best and probably the only map that i bother to talk about its so good people hate it but today i will be giving you a lecture on dust 2 to provide incredabalistic in sight on the entire map basically dust has 4 sites that are important the ct, t, a and b sites the ct can either choose to stack a, stack b or split and divide and conquer while the t side people must strategically think of a way to eliminate or plant the bomb without it being defused, the map is extremely simple, t side has a ramp and below that ramp is suicide alley, in front of that is the top of mid and further down is mid and mid doors which when you turn right after entering mid doors there is ct side or ct mancave, turn right from top of mid is an open area, turn left and there is a doors, go through a doors and then there is a long, keep moving and youll see the entirety of a long, behind you is pit where snipers like to camp or ct like to surprise t side people, ahead of a long there is a site where you plant the bomb as t and also connecting to a site is ct's mancave and a short which also connect to mid and can jump into mid doors, across of a short is lower tunnels and connecting to lower tunnels is upper tunnels which can also be accessed by the t side through an archway opening that links upper tunnels to their side but first they must go through an even larger open area in order to go through the archway, through upper tunnels is another archway tunnel that leads to b where ct side people can also acces through a little slope that can potentially get them killed if a t side sniper is lucky enough and thats the condensed description for the map dust 2 thanks for wasting some time for me bye

Part 9 the silvers: what do you call a silver's dream team the fantastic 4 and the silver smurfer ex dee dee dee ok thats all go home bye

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII welcome back to how to be good at csgo

Part 10 eSports Pros: many have long wanted to be a pro well thats hard but with these tips you probably still wont make it AAAAANNNNNYYYYYWWWWWAAAAAAYYYYY there are many pros in the csgos as well as clans but thats for another time pros such as olafmeister, pashabiceps (pronounced pas-ha-bick-eps), ice-ScreaM, hickios and KenyanS are all very amazing pros that know how to go and ill show you how they become pros step 1: watch them step 2: cry step 3: hopefully improved THANKS FOR WATCHING AND AS ALWAYS THAKS FOR WA- wait shit not again


	3. How to pro

Greetings i the wareagle greets you and today i will be teaching you how to get boosted out of legendary owl master

i currently stand at the number 3 rank of silver 3 and i am more qualified to greet you and teach you how to get smurfed out of legendary owl

first warmup by playing any fps such as call of duty: infinite wankfest or minecraft

then choose your loadout carefully when you enter a competitive match

pick common maps such as office or rialto with a wait time of 80 hours and 12 minutes

this is to ensure no one will be determined to wait this long and therefore you will play with bots

next buy the most suitable pistol for the pistol round

i recommend buying the cz75 because its ez75

if you win the pistol round buy a p90 and rush mid

if you lose the pistol round buy a p90 and still rush mid

if there is no mid then **MAKE ONE**

if your team has a language barrier memorise the falling terms:

A

B

C

Rush B

Noobnoob

Fuck

once you have memorised this intricate list of terms, you are ready to face the global elite 4 and achieve the rank of silver 5

that is all, avengers disassemble, and as always i the wareagle still has no pants, tune in next time to learn how to get out of silver master first class, and as alwa- wait shit


	4. Road to forklift

Hey guys, wackstackmac10 here, back with another you how to pro,

From most of our comments I can see that a lot of you have been taking our professional strategies into account but apparently still can't get out of the lowest tier skill group, the _Unranked_. So today I would like to share with some tips that does not require the uninstall button. Recently I have finally become _Gold Nova_ so you know my tips are at least 3 bullets accurate.

It's about time you step out of your comfort zone. If you want to get a big boy rank, you have to play the big boy maps. This includes _Cacher in the Rye_ , or _Gold Nova is just a Mirage_. Its okay if you don't know the callouts, just say "He's Palace" every time you die. Also be sure to buy all the nades you can at the start so people think you're pro. Here are some strategic smokes and flashes you can take into account

Stand at the third pillar of forklift and throw your smoke at the 937th pixel from your right.

throw a flash at the start of the round that gives you +1000 strength

Move your decoy to D7 and and you would have board control

Also, know that it's never your fault. You die because you didn't check truck? Clearly yellow was supposed to do it. You're last because you went A when everyone else went B? The team was obviously supposed to stick to you. You still die despite your teammates saying he's heaven? Wow your teams so loud you can't hear footsteps, isn't that RIGHT _BRY-_


	5. How to be a canal

hey gaymers big dick flex here

welcome to a strategic guide on how to get out of silver master first class

now i warn you this guide is only for big boys so heeeeeeeere we gooooo

first you must pick and understand the map youre playing

it is advisable to pick the most common and easy to understand map so that winning will be as easy as getting good teammates

thats why i play one of the most common maps played:

canals

now it may seem complicated at first but trust me

its really fucking complicated

now for some strategeniuses

it seems we have discussed this in the previous chapter that you should buy every grenade creaed by mankind and horsekind themself so that you look pro

but not only should you buy every grenade you should buy every skin

skins improve your skills because why the fuck not

you should always invest in the most beautiful looking skins for the best looking weapons an example is the sand dashed pp bizon so buy 40 of them

now you might be thinking: but gabenayrnenaifownqkxkcjjelwockci. Risjcb eicnc dnduvn h id

well yes that is true little speech impediment snowflake buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttt

when it comes to csgo you should always buy weapons that surprise the enemy like the sand dashed pp bizon

think about it how many people would expect a pp bizon rush down mid canals

exactly because they didnt know there was a canal

now you know how to get out of silver master first class tune in next as i show you how to get out of gold nova elite and remember this game FUCKING SU-


	6. freedefusehacksdotcom

as you know i got overwatch, no the shitty one on counter stroke, and i have managed to become a contributive inspector. i have watched a total of 2 overwatch cases and i can clearly say i am an overwatch master first class. not only is my mercy maining skills flawless in palace on dust17 but i have also managed to spot out the greatest hacks used by mankind themself in a game of csgo and today i will be showing you how to identify these hacks so you too can become an overwatch god

aimhacks: this is the most common hack ever created by mankind himself and to identify it you just have to see how many headshots hes got. if he has gotten more than 3 headshots in 7 rounds he is defintiely without a doubt aimhacking and a fucking chung bung bung cheater. no i am not salty fuck you

wallhacks: this is very easy to identify as all you have to do is observe the walls around him, hence the name, walls. little do you know, wallhacks work when the walls past little whispers to one another telling him where they are. sometimes these walls will also moving around him thus the name walls. sometimes there will be walls to the left, sometimes there will be walls to the right, sometimes there will be walls right in front of you

griefing: this is fairly hard to identify as csgo doesnt really havean inventory system so it is hard to guess if there is tnt or flint and steel inside the hac- wait this isnt minecraft

spinbot: this hack makes them look like a fidget spinner which is very fitting as fidget spinners are fucking cancer like hackers so if you cant identify this one i suggest you go to an eye surgeon... like... right now

defusehacks: the most godly hack in the known universe of the world. this hack is what causes every single one of my 3719 losses. this hack will not just allow anyone to defuse the bomb, it will make THE BOMB DEFUSE ITSELF. now you might be thinking, "isnt it helpful on ct". NO BECAUSE IF YOURE CT THE BOMB WILL DEFUSE YOU. "counter-terrorist defused, terrorists win *shitty fucking stattrak music kit*"

ok im tired now byeeeeeeeeeeee


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